Chapter 3
"The following morning, Bill and I ambled through the meadow, just talking and sharing stories of our adventures. I cannot help that I embellished a bit but he seemed to greatly enjoy the tales. The more I talked, the more I pranced. I must say I felt extremely proud of myself, until I ran into the side of the stable."
"I swear that the building trembled as I had been doing my rendition of the Rohirrim cavalry charging after a band of orcs. My shoulder hurt and I wanted to cry. I was pleased, however when my favorite elf ran out of the house to see what had happened. Erestor fawned all over me and made me feel much better. But, best of all, he gave both Bill and I an apple. I knew I loved this elf for a reason."
"Bill asked me if I was married to Erestor and I sighed dreamily and told him that, until I had met him, that had been my deepest desire. Besides, Erestor was married to Haldir, the Lay of Lórien, and I never had a chance. It seems that elves frown upon multi-species marriages."
"Limping and drawing the sympathy of half of Imladris, I led Bill towards my favorite spot, overlooking the waterfalls. Then I froze, sensing the most fearsome danger I could imagine. It was one that I had endured countless times in the past and wanted no part of. Rumil the Randy suddenly landed on my back from his perch in a nearby tree.
'Asfaloth, my boy, let us go for a run,' he drawled drunkenly as he swayed from his precarious position."
"Bill, being the kind and beauteous hero that he is, surveyed the situation and laughed. Winking at he, he nuzzled Rúmil the Randy lightly and knocked him to the ground. Both of us about died of laughter because the elf seemed more concerned with protecting his bottle of liquor than himself."
"When Rúmil the Randy whipped out his pride and joy to make sure it was not broken, Bill and I decided to make a hasty exit, followed by the gasps and groans of Rúmil and his rosy palmer. I resumed showing Bill the beauty of the valley that was my home and finally we rounded the bend to the most beautiful location of all. Then we stopped dead in our tracks."
"There, in the peaceful meadow beside the waterfall, we discovered the secret of the valley. It answered questions that I had been pondering for millennia. Orophin the Orgasmic was bleaching his hair in the pool. Turning to Bill, I grinned.
'I knew it. The Lórien brothers are not true blonds. The twins and Arwen are Orophin's, not Elrond's. I KNEW IT!'"
"I explained to Bill that when Celebrían was still on Arda, Orophin had visited quite often. Elrond was known for his male lovers and when the twins were born with dark hair everyone had wondered. Orophin and his brothers were blond, or that is what everyone had believed. But we knew differently now."
"Since my spot was now contaminated, I led Bill to my second favorite location. Taking a different trail, as we did not want to interrupt Rúmil in his inspection, we arrived at the side of the Bruinen at the base of the greatest of the falls. We decided to take a swim and ran joyfully into the river. We spent quite some time playing in the water and enjoying ourselves immensely."
"Finally, we retired to the bank, exhausted from our randy play. Bill really was a BIG pony and I knew that my rump would remember him for the rest of our days. When we got out of the river, we shook ourselves and began to graze. I glanced at Bill, then did a double take.
'Uhm…… Bill? Were you not a beautiful chestnut?' I asked in confusion?"
"Bill, my beautiful Bill! I wanted to cry in agony. Orophin's bleach had so contaminated the water as to bleach my beautiful, glorious, well-hung Bill to a pale golden color. Not that this was not lovely, mind you. But still, I loved him the way he was. I screamed out my anger to the valar that this had happened and ran to comfort my beloved."
"Nibbling along Bill's neck, I whickered gently to comfort him. He nuzzled me in return and his chocolate brown eyes pleaded with me. Nipping along his back, I slowly moved into position and, as he lifted his tail, I returned the favor that he had done for me earlier in the water. We cried out our bliss, the screams echoing loudly through the valley and we both collapsed to the ground, our legs no longer able to support us. I nuzzled his side, wishing we could remain this way for eternity."
Chapter 4
"I am not boring you with my tale am I? I am most sorry if this is the case. Shall I continue? Yes, you say? Very well."
"Well, Bill and I spent 3 idyllic days in our meadow, grazing, resting and rutting. I had hoped we could stay that way forever, but it was not to happen. On the morning of the fourth day, we heard the warning bell, calling for a council, and our heads shot up. Around a mouthful of the sweet meadow grass, I asked Bill,
'Shall we go see what is up? I know of a spot where we will have an excellent view, be able to hear all that goes on, yet not be detected.'
At his nod, we set off rapidly, not wanting to miss a moment of what was to be a life changing event."
"Sneaking into the small wooded glade that surrounded the council patio, we were able to graze and listen and observe. I was not shocked to see Elrond, Aragorn, Lard-Butt, Gandalf and the dreamy Erestor, but I was shocked by the vast number of men and dwarves there. Turning to Bill, I whispered,
'Oh, this should be good. I have yet to see a council like this end without bloodshed. You watch. A dwarf will lose his beard before this is through.'"
"Settling in to observe, I rested my muzzle on Bill's back, comforted by his closeness. But we couldn't relax. Elrond the Gay started the meeting off by calling the secret council to order. I snorted and almost gave us away. I had noticed the little pip-squeak, Sam, hiding in the bushes, his trousers around his ankles and his hand flying. And from the other side of us, we could hear Merry and Pippin moaning and grunting as they rutted like bunnies."
"Elrond said some stupid garbage about a ring and the Doom of Middle Earth, and I knew this would be good. But it was all I could do to contain myself when I spotted the Nancy Prince of Mirkwood seated next to Lard-Butt.
'Bill, watch this. It ought to be good. He and Aragorn have been butt buddies for decades and Lard-Butt cannot seem to keep his hands to himself.'"
"When the Brawny Brat of Gondor opened his mouth to spew his garbage, I rolled my eyes, but Aragorn's reaction gained an even better response from the council. As he put the Brat down, I truly thought a fight was going to break out. The Brat snarked back and I saw flames shooting from Aragorn's eyes. But then that stupid Nancy Prince had to spoil my fun by leaping up to defend his lover."
"I lifted my head, alert, and nudged Bill.
'Oh, look. Can you not see it. Legolas is drooling over Aragorn and wants to jump him right here and now. I bet he has never seen him this clean before. Oh, wait, there is a slight frown. He must have just realized that Aragorn washed his hair. They will not have any oil.'"
"Bill was trembling with laughter and doing his best to not make a sound. I nuzzled him tenderly while I held in my own mirth and watched panic cross the face of the Future King of Gondor. When he told Legolas to sit down and shut up, the pout that bloomed on the Nancy Prince's face was so delightful that I wanted to laugh out loud. I did manage to convert my mirth into a small, quiet snort that was covered by Elrond's growl of warning to his future son-in-law."
"Did Elrond not know about those two? How could it possibly have escaped him. Then suddenly, it hit me. Elrond was jealous. He wanted the Nancy Prince for himself! Turning my attention back to Legolas, I watched him take a good look at the Brat and I could hear the gears turning in his head. Aragorn may have washed his hair, but the Brat's was almost dripping with oil. If Legolas could have lowered himself to drool, I truly think he would have."
"I whispered into Bill's ear,
'I bet you that the Nancy Prince will have the Brat on his back before night fall. You just wait and see.'
Bill could not control his laughter at this observation, but luckily, Gandalf rose to fight Legolas for the right to the Brat."
"When Legolas got to his feet, his leggings did not and he flashed the council. It would appear that his hand had been busy dealing with his fantasies. The reaction of the council was instantaneous. Everyone was suddenly on their feet fighting over the right to the Prince. Well, everyone but Elrond the Gay, who had drool dripping from his chin, and my beloved Erestor, who I noticed had slipped off into the bushes. I figured he was servicing Haldir and could not be bothered about the Prince."
"When Frodo suddenly stepped forward claiming he wanted to take it in the rear, the council stopped in shock. Not a peep could be heard until Gandalf stepped forward.
'I will help ease the way,' he offered.
He was apparently overjoyed at the thought of finally getting to touch the Jewel of Mirkwood. The look on the Nancy Prince's face was comical however. He had the Brat on his knees before him and he was torn between his current pleasure and the thought of the tight ride to him."
"When the Future King of Gondor volunteered to sheath his sword in Frodo instead, I almost collapsed in laughter. The look on Elrond's face was too funny. Legolas looked horrified at the thought of loosing out and jumped up to offer his services to Frodo. Gimli the midget, er I mean Dwarf, offered to cut the Jewel of Mirkwood off with his axe if the Nancy Prince did not get in line like everyone else. Boromir the Brat pouted like a two year old and followed Legolas like a puppy, offering his services to any and all."
"But then the weirdest thing of all happened. Sam screamed and ran to save Frodo from the Wicked Prince of the Northeast. And not to be outdone, Merry came in, dragging Pippin tied up in a sack. At this, Elrond called an end to the council and the entire group became a free for all orgy."
"Shaking my head sadly, I watched the Lórien brothers and Erestor suddenly appear and join in. My heart heavy at the actions of my beloved elf, I led Bill off to the stables where we shared a nice meal of hay and oats before chatting for the rest of the evening, amongst other things."