Sigilion's Story
Rating: Overall NC-17
Pairing: OMC/OMC
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize belong to Tolkien. I am just borrowing them to play with. I promise to return them with smiles on their faces.
Beta: Tuxedo Elf
Notes: This is the story of one of my OMC's. It comes mainly from role play situations. I own Sigilion and Faerfaen. Tuxedo Elf owns Carthôlion and Andernilion. Punisher8209 owns punisher. Other characters will be listed as they appear.
Summary: Sigilion tells his story.
Chapter 1
My world has been upended by a small tornado. There is nothing more that I can say. Her name is Faerfaen and she is the most adorable elfling, who has the energy of 10 all wrapped up in one cute little package. She has wrapped me around her tiny little finger tighter than the strongest knot and I know not when it happened. The day that she accepted me as her adopted father will always be a shining point in my life. She is well loved by many, yet there is one that loves her most of all... This elf has stolen not only the heart of the elfling, but he has taken possession of my heart as well.
I remember well the day that I first saw Carthôlion. I entered the shop and there he was, his spirit shining brightly. I only had eyes for him, drawn to him as a moth to the flame. However, I was not the only one.
There was one other, a fellow border guard who also vied for his affections, and I feared that I would lose. I was prepared to lose. I fully expected to lose.
In all my many years, I have never been lucky in love. I have had only two lovers in the past and both played me false and scarred my heart. The first was just 5 years past my majority. I loved him dearly and gave him my virginity. He said he loved me as well and asked me to bond with him. I was walking on air. That is, until the day I walked in on him with my brother. I do not know how far nor how long I ran that day. All I do know is that my heart shattered in my chest. I thought I would die. I wanted to die. In a way, a part of me did die that day. My lover and brother bonded on the day that I was to have done so. I attended for my mother. Then I went to my secret place and cried. I have not spoken to my brother or his mate since. I cannot face them and it has been more than a millennia.
My second lover, I thought would be different. It was another warrior and as much different from my first love as he could be. Where the first was dark, the second was fair. Where the first was serious, the second was light hearted. He courted me for three years before he asked me to bond with him. That night, we made love for the first time and I never heard from him again. The next day, he left for Mirkwood in the company of the fair son of Thranduil, with whom he had wagered. They had been lovers and had bonded secretly centuries prior. I felt my heart shatter once again, breaking at all the seams, where I had mended it carefully over the many years. I did not even try to mend it this time.
I closed my heart then and never opened up to anyone, for I feared it happening again. Until Carthôlion, that is. I fully expected it to happen again. To my eyes, I was damaged somehow. I thought myself unlovable. Even elflings do not warm up to me quickly. It is probably my reserved nature, borne out of the fear of rejection and pain. Still, I did what I could for Carthôlion. He was severely injured and had come to Imladris from Lórien that Elrond may heal him. He awaits surgery, which Lord Elrond promised he would do as soon as possible, though as of yet, there is no set date.
Do his injuries trouble me you ask? Nay, they trouble me not, except that they pain him. I would bear his wounds gladly if I could and spare him all pain, for pain has been a daily part of my life for more years than I care to think about. Yet my pain is not as Carthôlion's is. My pain is emotional where his is physical. I have spent time assisting him and bringing what he needed. I have spent time helping Faerfaen as the elfling holds his heart as much as mine. This I did not to win him but to ease his mind, and to help a sweet little one that has seen much tragedy in her short life.
Why did I expect to lose to the other? He has ties to Carthôlion's homeland of Lothlórien and I do not. He is fair where I am dark. He has a great beauty that I do not possess. I truly felt that I was doomed from the start, that my heart was once again destined to be trampled in the dust by the one that was to keep it safe. However, I could not stop loving him. He was too kind and generous for me to feel any hatred or anger towards him. It would not be his fault if he could not return my feelings. I could never place any blame on his shoulders for my own shortcomings.
Chapter 2
I will never forget the day that my heart overcame my head. I had entered Mistress Mauburz's shop to find Carthôlion asleep. Without a thought, I stooped and placed a kiss on his lips. He did not awaken. It was Faerfaen's giggling and my tickling which brought him from reverie and when she told him I had kissed him, I felt as though I would die. Surely he would turn me away. I felt sure that my doom approached, and awaited the killing stroke. When he asked me to repeat the kiss now that he was awake, my heart almost stopped beating. All I could do was stare until suddenly, his words registered. "What did you say?" I asked.
Carthôlion repeated his words, "I said that as I slept through the first one, maybe you should try again?"
I looked into his eyes and saw the sincerity of his words. Sitting next to him, I gathered him in my arms and kissed him again. To my wonderment, he kissed me back. In addition, not just any kiss. He returned my kiss with as much passion as I had poured into mine. When the kiss broke, we were both gasping and panting. I sat fanning myself, chuckling at the elfling, who had been giggling so much that she had developed the hiccups. When Carthôlion mentioned that she needed a glass of water, I jumped up and fetched her one, smiling as he helped her drink it and laughing at the surprise on her face when her hiccups ended. Carthôlion thanked me and I responded, "No thanks are needed," blushing profusely. His response to me had us both turn beet red, for he said he was not thanking me for the water.
I then had a dilemma at hand. I prepared to sit back down, yet I did not know where to sit. I had never dared to seat myself next to Carthôlion. That spot had always seemed to be reserved for the other, and I was still unsure as to where this was going. Dithering, I looked longingly at the spot next to Carthôlion, yet turned to go and sit elsewhere. When he asked me to sit, patting the spot next to him, my heart leapt in my breast, yet my mind screamed at me to be careful. My heart won the battle. I once again thanked Carthôlion and he told me "anytime", which awoke in me a wicked sense of humor - I could do nothing but kiss him again, passionately.
Carthôlion sighed into the kiss and when it was over, I tried to get my breathing back to normal. However, my struggle was in vain for Carthôlion grabbed me and kissed me once again. My heart stopped, as this was the first time anyone had ever voluntarily kissed me. Always in the past, I had asked to be kissed.
When Carthôlion held out his arms to Faerfaen and she came and crawled into his lap, I thought the evening was over. I fully expected him to ask me to move; yet this did not happen. Not only did Carthôlion not ask; he leaned into my embrace, making me realize that I may have finally found a family at last. Faerfaen slipped into reverie and I reached out to stroke her wild, glorious red curls. The softness of her hair was like silk. When Carthôlion sighed with contentment, I felt that maybe, just maybe, this time was for real.
Punisher entered the shop and I will be eternally grateful for what he did next. Asking Carthôlion's permission, Punisher gently gathered the sleeping elfling and sat cuddling her. Carthôlion's comment that she had ensnared another caused me to chuckle quietly. I was more than content to sit here with him in my arms. I once again kissed the beautiful elf at my side then pulled him even closer, pleased that my kiss was returned.
When the time came to retire for the night, we let Punisher return Faerfaen to her aunt and I gently carried Carthôlion back to his home, ignoring his protests. He felt perfect in my arms and my heart overflowed. I knew I was lost.
Chapter 3
Unsure of myself, I did not know how to act around Carthôlion. My heart wanted me to hold him close, love him forever, yet my mind screamed at me to pull back, and prepare to get hurt again. I did my best to over come my fears, though. I spent as much time with Carthôlion and Faerfaen as possible. I gave swimming lessons to Faerfaen. Living in Imladris and not knowing how to swim is dangerous for an elfling and I would do anything to protect her. She had already become as a daughter to me. She had asked Carthôlion to be her ada and he had happily accepted and was looking joyfully to the day when his surgery was over and he could bring her home. I knew this would make his life complete and I was desperately hoping that I would still be included. I knew that this time, I would not survive the heartbreak when Carthôlion turned me away, something I still fully expected to happen.
I moved in with Carthôlion, spending each night wrapped in his arms and holding him close. When he was in pain, I would make him his tea and help him drink it. Often I would give it to him before the first signs of pain showed, having learnt his expressions and knowing that it would soon be needed. It pained me to see him hurting and I would have given my life to keep the pain away.
The day that Tefys, Faerfaen's friend, ran away because she could not find us and there was no one else to play with, I felt my heart would break once again. Crying herself to sleep, Faerfaen slept snuggled in Carthôlion's embrace while I joined the search parties looking for the elfling. That she was returned safe and sound, with just a small leg injury made all of Imladris breathe a sigh of relief and I vowed to make sure she always felt included from here on out.
Each morning, Faerfaen and I collected Tefys and took her with us to our swimming lessons. I greatly enjoyed my mornings with the elflings and was pleased with their progress. That Tefys was happy to be with her friend and to be learning to swim was a small reward compared to the joy Faerfaen had in having her friend close.
Then one day something that I had feared, happened. Faerfaen had been jealous of the time Carthôlion and I had been spending together and she snapped at me. I felt my heart catch and fear gripped me. I knew this was the end. Carthôlion doted on the elfling and she was everything to him. But wait. He chastised her and talked to her and when she came to me, wrapping her arms around me, I felt myself melt. Then she called me ada Sigi and I knew my world was right once again.
That night I asked Carthôlion to bond with me and knew true joy when he said yes. I left him cuddling Faerfaen and went to purchase betrothal rings for us. For Faerfaen, I purchased a delicate butterfly necklace to show her that she was a part of the two of us. That was how I saw her, as a delicate butterfly, who flitted about airily without a care. However, knowing what had happened to her natural parents, I knew that the peace could be temporary and that Carthôlion's surgery would upset her no end.
Reaching a decision, I purchased a gentle mare and began to train her for Faerfaen. I planned to present my daughter with her present on the day of Carthôlion's surgery and to take her on a picnic. I would have loved to be at his side, but Elrond would take the best possible care of him and Faerfaen would need me more. Carthôlion´s dearest friend, Andernilion, would be staying with him during the operation, so he would not be alone. It has been a long wait, but I am hoping it will be over soon.
Chapter 4
I had spent some time in my secret place. My fears of losing Carthôlion had been steadily growing. I knew in my heart that if the surgery was not successful, I might lose him. That day in the shop, I spoke with Melpomaen. He is a young elf, yet has a wisdom that is quite amazing for one so young. I spoke of my fears, that Carthôlion would refuse to bond if he was not whole, and Mel spent time with me, trying to make me see that this would not happen. Yet, I knew that I would only believe this if Carthôlion told me himself.
I went to my love, fully intending to tell him of my fears, yet all I could do was sob on his shoulder. I begged him never to turn me away, that I would not survive it. Comforting me, he told me this would never happen and gently kissed me, yet my fears would not leave me. I turned away, embarrassed at my tears and afraid to face him. He said not to be embarrassed by tears. I turned to look at him, and snapped. Dragging him close, I kissed him desperately, passionately as if trying to bury my desperation.
When Faerfaen came to give her ada his goodnight kiss, I was too afraid to face them both, until Carthôlion called to me and my heart melted once again. I joined them both on the bed and knew true peace when Faerfaen wrapped her tiny arms around my neck and told me that she loved me. I could do no less and held her close, telling her that I loved her as well.
Snuggling with my family, I was content yet the fear still remained. Turning to Carthôlion, I asked him when we would bond. His words chilled me to the bone. He said that we would have to wait until he had recovered from the surgery and all I could think about was what would happen should he not. I started to ask him this, yet could not get the words past my lips. When he asked me to tell him, I finally did so and he held me close and told me that he would always love me, even should I find love with another.
Thinking quickly, I picked up the sleeping Faerfaen and swiftly returned her to her aunt, afraid that in my emotional state, I would wake her and scare her. Running the entire way I returned to my love and collapsed on the bed beside him, tears streaming down my face. Carthôlion gently wiped away my tears and asked me to tell him what was wrong and I did so. I told him that I was afraid that if he were not healed, he would turn me away. Holding me close, he told me that would never happen, that I was his life and his heart.
Asking him if we truly had to wait, his words crushed me. For he told me that yes, we did have to wait for if Mandos called him, he knew I would follow, and he could not bear that Faerfaen be left alone. I heard his words and knew them to be the truth. I vowed to myself that should the worst happen, I would remain and be strong for Faerfaen and raise her to the best of my ability. I would not leave her alone.
Yet his words once again opened the floodgates and I sobbed into his shoulder, begging him not to leave me alone, that I could not bear it. I kissed him, needing the reassurance that he was actually in my arms and he returned my kiss tenderly. I could think of only one thing that would reassure me now and I asked for it.
"Love me," I asked him and he said yes. Fearing that he misunderstood what I was asking, yet too afraid to ask again more clearly, I kissed him and then pulled him close with a sigh. When he snuggled into me, I began to run my hands over his strong back, luxuriating in the feel of the corded muscles beneath the skin. When he kissed me again, my fingers began to fumble with the clasps on our tunics, wanting to rid us of the barriers, needing to feel his skin against mine.
Moaning into Carthôlion's kiss, I lay back and pulled him on top of me, needing him with a desire that had consumed me. His surprise at my actions gave me pause only for a moment. With Carthôlion's help, our leggings were removed and for the first time, we were able to feel total flesh on flesh, and panting I voiced my deepest desire. "In me, now...."
Carthôlion's surprise was momentary, and then he moved us so that we would be more comfortable. Lifting my legs, and coating himself with oil, he slid into me. I cried out at the impalement, yet it was not a cry of pain, but one of passion and desire. Hearing Carthôlion cry out as well caused me to burn and I pulled him down and kissed him deeply.
Feeling him buried deep within me, I needed more, much more and begged him to move, which he did, very slowly. I could not think but only feel. I wanted him to pound into me, to take me roughly. I had forgotten all about his injury. I was panting and gasping and I told him that he was going to make me beg. Then, suddenly I realized what the problem was.
Wrapping my arms tightly around him, I carefully rolled us so that I was on top. I then set a punishing pace, angling so that he brushed the bundle of nerves deep within, with each stroke. Hearing Carthôlion call out in love, I too cried out my feelings and then leaned down and kissed him, never slowing our pace. Suddenly, I convulsed and fell over the edge, spilling myself and crying out before collapsing onto his chest. The feeling of Carthôlion spending himself inside of me and crying my name did more to heal my heart and settle my fears than words would ever have done.
Kissing Carthôlion and returning his loving smile, I lifted myself off him and then rolled us onto our sides to snuggle contentedly and nuzzle my face into his hair. I thanked Carthôlion at the exactly the same moment that he thanked me, and I grinned at him and kissed him deeply. Pulling him close into my embrace, we both slowly drifted into reverie. My heart was finally whole again, and I was sure that life would only get better.
Chapter 5
I feel as if I am floating on air. Last night was more perfect than I could ever have imagined. I look back and see what I missed then and my heart cries out in joy. My precious love, the joy of my heart, had been shocked that I asked him to take me. He would have given me his all if I had but asked last night. He trusts me! Never has a lover offered to let me take him. It was never offered and I did not ask. I felt it was not my place. Yet last eve, those were not my thoughts. I needed him to fill me and I asked for this. He gave me the most precious of gifts and yet, he took me. Finally, my mind has grasped that Carthôlion is not like the others. It has finally accepted what my heart has known, that Carthôlion loves me as I love him.
Yet fear still grips my heart. This is not, as you may assume, because I fear he will turn me away. He settled my fears about that last eve. Nay, my fears are of losing him to Mandos. I do not know why this fear is suddenly gripping me. Does it really matter why? It allows me to understand our dear daughter and her fears, and to me, this is the most important thing. It would be so to my beloved as well, if I had the courage to tell him. I do not withhold this from him out of fear of his wrath. I could never fear him. Instead, I fear causing him pain. He has enough to deal with comforting our daughter. I do not need him to have to comfort me as well. I draw strength from his strength and that is enough.
Our dear friend, Andernilion, understands my fears and has done much to comfort me. I go to him for a listening ear that truly grasps the worry in my heart for Carthôlion. I know that Andernilion worries as I do. Yet, he is stronger and braver than I am. He does not let his fears show. Tonight, I thanked him for his friendship, and told him he would always have a home in Imladris. I know that my Lord Elrond would echo my invitation, and so had no reservations in offering it. Andernilion is as a brother to Carthôlion and I, and I am grateful for this.
I was close to my own brother up until that day. Long have I felt the hole in my life that was left by his betrayal. Andernilion has filled that hole and I thank him for this with all my heart, yet know not how to tell him. I would have to open up about what had happened so very long ago, and I could not bear to expose my shame. I will tell Carthôlion. Letting him read my most secret writings is my way of telling him. I trust him. I trust that he will not laugh and call me a fool. He loves me as I love him and I would never do this to him. I feel safe with Carthôlion and now realize that I have someone I can tell anything.
I have not yet introduced Carthôlion and Faerfaen to my family and I must do so. My mother will find immense joy in Faerfaen. She has long despaired of ever having a grandchild to hold in her arms. She had only two children, and we both prefer our own gender. Never has she said anything about this by word or look, yet I know her. Her arms ache to hold an elfling once again. I know she will adore both my loves. How could she not? They are precious to me and that will be enough for her.
My father has always felt that my brother and I have betrayed him by who we love. I fear his reaction, yet pray that Faerfaen will soften his heart. I can only pray to the Valar that he will accept Carthôlion. That he will see the love between us and rejoice at my happiness. I will say that my father was my strongest support when my brother betrayed me. My father seemed to feel that my brother had betrayed him as well by taking the one that I loved. Yet, I feel I owe my brother thanks. If he had not done what he did, I would be bound and would not have experienced the glorious love of my beloved and my daughter. Mayhap, with Carthôlion at my side, I can tell him this. I fear this meeting, however, for my first love was the youngest of the twin sons of Elrond.
Does this shock you, that Elrohir was my first love? I think that Lord Elrond has always felt responsible for what happened and has treated me with kindness. I cannot lay blame on Elrohir for what happened, however, for my brother had been training in Mirkwood for many years and Elrohir knew him not. I should have seen the attraction between them when my brother returned home, yet my own feelings blinded me and I did not. Elladan tried to comfort me. He offered friendship that I gladly accepted, yet his friendship was painful. Every time I look at Elladan, I see his brother in him, and I feel pain. Elladan understands though, and I am grateful for this.