Chapter 6
I sit here writing this instead of joining the others in my patrol around the fire. I cannot join them this eve; my heart is too heavy to join in their merriment. Today, we met a band of Orcs. A poison arrow injured Celeg, a fellow guardian, and when he fell, I ran to save him. I had no care for myself; actually, I seemed to go mad. I viciously slaughtered the orcs, miraculously remaining unscathed, for I had no thoughts for my own safety. All I could see was my tiny daughter crying for her ada and nana when the nightmares came upon her.
I have been distracted much as of late. The reality of my beloved's operation and the fear that grips my heart has left me preoccupied. My captain understands, but since I jeopardized the safety of not only myself, but also my fellow guards today, I know he will go to Lord Glorfindel and I fear for my position. I cannot blame him. I have seen elves slaughtered due to one member of the patrol being distracted and could not live with myself if I caused the same. I will accept Lord Glorfindel's ruling, for I know that he is fair and will treat me justly.
I just want to return to my beloved and my daughter and hold them in my arms. I want to know that they are well. I need to have them close to feel at peace. My fear grows with each passing day and I dread the day of the operation and the shadow that hangs over it. I must go now. I am called to stand watch. I will add more when next we stop for the night however.
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My captain ordered me to remain at his side today. I know that he fears to put me in my usual position of scout. I ache to do my duty, yet I understand why I may not do so. We encountered orcs once again, yet I was held back, only allowed to shoot arrows, not approach close enough to use the blades upon my back, with which I am most proficient. I have only been bested by one in the use of the twin blades in hand-to-hand combat and that is the Prince of Mirkwood. He is a great warrior, whose skill with both knives and bow are unequaled by none save Lord Glorfindel himself, so I feel no shame from my loss.
None were injured this day and so I feel relief, yet I am saddened by the looks of pity given me by my fellow guards. All know why I have been removed from my position of scout and though they say nothing to me, I have heard the whispers saying that I am unmanned by my love. This has angered me, yet I dare do nothing about it. I wish Carthôlion was at my side so I could tell him my fears.
The cry has just been given that the borders have been reached. I will soon be in his arms once again. I would urge my horse into a gallop if I dared. I must remain with my companions, however and fight down the feelings of urgency to stay with my patrol. Soon, very soon, I will see my beloved and my heart rejoices. I can feel his nearness. I know that souls unbound should not be able to feel this, yet I can.
Chapter 7
I feel that I should take this opportunity to explain about Faerfaen. I have spoken much about her and her fears, yet have explained nothing. I have said that we have adopted her, yet have told nothing about her parents. This is painful for me, yet I feel it necessary.
Faerfaen was born in the kingdom of Mirkwood. Her parents, Faevaethor and Sídheth were bringing her to Imladris for a visit with her aunt. As they approached the Bruinen, they were attacked by orcs. Faerfaen escaped unscathed and found her way to the shop, where she was cared for until it was discovered that she had an aunt residing in Imladris. The two were a great comfort to each other in dealing with their pain, for one had lost her parents and the other had lost a much-loved brother in the attack.
Patrols were sent out, in which I took part, looking for her parents. We spent days searching near and far, hoping beyond hope to be able to reunite this broken family. In the end, I was the one to make the discovery, and the sight will haunt me to the end of Arda. I had been sent ahead to scout out the area, not expecting to find anything, when I stumbled over the most ghastly scene my eyes have ever been forced to behold. All that remained of her parents were broken bones, picked clean, tattered garments, and matted brown and matted flaming red hair. I fell to my knees and retched, emptying my stomach of all that I had consumed that day, tears of grief streaming down my cheeks.
It was there that Elladan found me, and knelt beside me, wrapping his arms around me and sharing my grief. I clung to my friend that day, needing his strength to give me strength, for we would have to bear the news back home, as well as the remains of the two sad victims of the attack. I have never spoken of this to Carthôlion, or to Faerfaen. I doubt I ever will. For to speak of it would bring the vision of a tear-stained face, asleep in her aunt´s arms and it would once again break my heart.
Her aunt cannot care for an elfling however, her work makes too many demands on her time, and the elfling was allowed to roam without supervision. She spent much time in the shop. It was there that she felt the most at home. She had a tentative friendship with Eldanar, for he had been there when she first arrived, and she spent her first night in her new home with him. She met Tefys here as well, for the shop was a haven for the elflings and all of the adults looked after them.
It was also in the shop where she first met Carthôlion. From the first moment, she took to him and claimed his lap as her own. If they were both in the shop, she could be found sitting there, safe in his arms. I feel it was love at first sight for the both of them. Faerfaen had adopted him long before she ever asked him to be her ada, and I am forever grateful that I was allowed to join in their love and to be accepted by both.
Chapter 8
As soon as I was released from my duties, I ran. I had only one desire, one thought in my mind. I needed to be with Carthôlion. I needed my family with me now. Racing through the corridors and hallways of the Last Homely House, I stopped, panting, and threw open the door to our room. I sucked in my breath at the vision sitting on the bed reading. His golden blond hair, a perfect foil for my own chestnut locks, shone in the fading sunlight and as he lifted his head, my own chocolate eyes met the deep ocean blue of his. I rushed to him, pulling him into my arms and kissing him desperately. I poured all the hunger and longing of the past eight days into my kiss, thrilled to the core that the feelings were returned.
When we pulled apart, panting and gasping for breath, I clutched him to my breast and tried to put into words how much I had missed him. The eight days of patrol had seemed like an eternity without him at my side. That he had missed me as well, he left me in no doubt, when he started kissing me once more. Our sighs and moans filled the room and I was at peace. My world was right once more. Except for one small detail that is - a small red haired fireball was still absent. My heart was eager to see my daughter once more, Before I could form the words to ask about her, the fireball burst through the door and flung herself on me, hugging me tightly and kissing me with sloppy elfling kisses, the second most precious kisses in my world.
I told them both how very much I had missed them. When Carthôlion said how the days had seemed to drag on, I forgot my caution and told him that I would not be going out on any more patrols unless dire need arose. He looked at me with concern in his eyes and I dropped my gaze. I had no choice now but to confess to my folly and tell him I had been demoted, saying only that I had been a bit distracted. I could not upset our elfling with the real reason - It could wait. I knew that I had to tell him myself however, for if not I, then one of the members of my patrol would surely mention it and I could not let him find out that way. However, seeing the worry in his eyes, I leaned over and whispered in his ear all that had happened on the patrol ending with the fact that I had been demoted, stripped of my position of scout.
I could not meet his eyes. I could not bear to see pity or shame in those deep blue eyes. Shame brought on by my own lack of control. When his hand brought my face around and forced me to face him, however, I was surprised. There were tears there, tears of pain, simply because I was in pain. He knew the shame, the pain I felt, for he had been a warrior as well and understood my feelings. He told me that his deepest fear was that I would be injured because of my fury, that he would lose me. He said that he could not even bear the thought and all I could do was hold my family close and try to reassure him.
We sat like that, as a family cuddling together, for a long time. Faerfaen chattered happily about what she had done while I had been gone and I smiled dotingly at her and asked her questions, content to simply soak up the joy that is my family. But when she finally fell asleep and Carthôlion asked me to return her to her aunt, I did so with a happy heart, a needy heart, for Carthôlion had echoed my whisper of need. I knew what awaited us that night.
When I had asked Carthôlion earlier about his surgery, he told me it would be the day after tomorrow and I was desperate to add more memories, for the fear of losing him to Mandos' call was very strong. The fear grew more with each passing day.
Upon returning from delivering a sleeping Faerfaen to her bed, I pulled Carthôlion into my arms and kissed him with a desperation that spoke of my fears and of my need. Our conversation then turned teasing and when I asked him a question that he did not answer, I jokingly said that if I am that ugly to him, I would go take a bath. Rising and striding to the door of the bathing chamber, I leered at him over my shoulder, asking him if he planned to sit there all night or if he was going to join me. His grin made my heart fly and as he slowly rose from the bed, I hurried to prepare our bathwater. My question of oil or bubbles brought a cheeky grin to his face and I added a large amount of bubble bath to the water.
I rapidly shed my clothes then watched, awe on my face, as he did the same, before sweeping him into my arms to settle him into the water. His surprise at my actions caused his crutch to fall from his hand and we both chuckled when it landed in our bathwater. After seeing him settled, I retrieved his glorious crutch, inlaid with silver and gold scrolls and vines, which I had gifted him when his old one broke. Then I joined him in the water and began to lazily trail kisses over his face. As our lips joined in a kiss once more, I groaned and our passions rose swiftly. His hands were everywhere, driving me mad with need and I begged him to prepare me.
Straddling his lap, careful not to jar his leg, I positioned myself and slowly, ever so slowly, lowered myself, savoring the feeling of being impossibly full of an intense heat. I cried out as he brushed against my pleasure spot, throwing my head back and gripping his shoulders as I continued to lower myself until seated in his lap. I kissed him hard and then set a slow lazy pace, wanting our love-making to last as long as possible, for we knew not when or if we would ever get the chance again. I know not how long I was able to maintain our slow lovemaking, but when Carthôlion brought me in for a kiss, and my heated member was trapped between our bodies, something broke within me and I began to move more forcefully, driving for completion. Feeling his seed flood me and hearing him cry out my name was enough to send me over the edge as well, and calling out his name against his lips, I spent myself, collapsing against him, unable to do more for the moment.
When I heard my beloved moan and swat my backside, complaining of being cold, I realized that our bathwater had cooled and gently, I raised myself up to allow his spent member to slip from my body, groaning at the loss. I exited the water and dried myself before assisting this most beloved creature in exiting the water, settling him on a bench and drying him tenderly. Then I swept him into my arms and grabbed his crutch to return us to the bed that beckoned most eagerly, laying him carefully on the soft sheets before joining him and pulling him close. I whispered my love, my heart swelling at his return declaration and we slipped into reverie wrapped in each other's arms.
Chapter 9
I returned to our room after a day on the training grounds, covered in mud. My steps were heavy with the knowledge that this could well be the last night I would hold my beloved. The heaviness growing in my heart fed my fear for the morrow. Opening the door, my heart lightened to see both of my beloveds cuddling together. Faerfaen was speaking of her fears for her ada and begging him to come on our picnic with us, instead of staying with Lord Elrond. Fighting back grief, I addressed her fears, trying to cheer her with the thought that Lord Elrond was going to heal her ada and that he would soon be able to do many more things with her. While this seemed to lift her heart somewhat, I could see the pleading in Carth's gaze for me to do more.
Grinning at our little one, I said the magic words. "Faerfaen, I have a surprise for you tomorrow." Suddenly, her mind was no longer on the surgery and what was to come, but on questioning me until I felt my head would explode. I finally had to put a halt to her questions saying that if I told her what the surprise was, it would no longer be one. I had to chuckle as she flopped back on the bed with a pout, then proceeded to giggle madly as Carth tickled her. I would have loved to join them, but in my muddied state dared not.
Finally, Faerfaen kissed her ada sweetly and hugged him tightly, telling him she would see him tomorrow when he was all better. I could only pray that she would be able to do so, for I knew not how she would handle it otherwise. Then she came to give me a hug, but stopped, wrinkling her perfect little nose at me, her green eyes twinkling with happiness. She informed me with all seriousness that I needed as bath and that she loved me anyways, before skipping out of our room and heading back to her aunts.
Carth and I were both still chuckling minutes later, when I could wait no longer. "When?" It was all I needed to ask, for my beloved knew exactly what I needed to know. He informed me that he was to report to Lord Elrond within the hour and a hand squeezed my heart. I wanted badly to hold him in my arms one last time, yet knew that it was wishful thinking at this moment. I asked him to bathe with me and grinned playfully when he accepted.
Hurrying in to start the bathwater, I reflected on our time together so far, a gentle smile on my lips. However, this changed to a frown as my fears surrounding the surgery came to the fore and a great foreboding filled me. Steeling my nerve, I vowed to let none of my insecurities show this eve and to try to soothe my lover to the best of my ability.
I underdressed and caught sight of myself in the mirror, laughing at the painted elf that laughed back at me. It was as if I was a brown elf with flesh colored clothing painted on, the mud caked to every exposed bit of skin and hair. Asking him if he needed any help and receiving a negative response, I lowered myself into the water and immediately ducked my head, then, surfacing washed the mud from my body and began to wash my hair. When Carth lowered himself into the water and shooed my hands away, I sighed in bliss to feel his fingers massaging my scalp. Ever playful, my beloved dunked me, laughing as I came up sputtering, yet with hair rinsed clean. I stole a quick kiss, before snuggling with him until the water began to cool.
We still made no move to leave the water until finally, I forced myself to rise and leave the water. Rapidly toweling myself, I handed him his crutch and a fresh towel. Guiding him into the bedroom, I had him sit while I fetched us both clothing and watched him dress, memorizing his form and burning into my memory just in case. His teasing gaze jolted me from my musings and I rapidly dressed and closed the distance between us to kiss him reverently. We held each other as long as we dare, before I allowed him to finish packing. I carried his bag and wrapped my arm around his waist as we made our way to the halls of healing, and each step felt like we were walking closer to our doom.
Lord Elrond allowed me to stay the night with my beloved; I think he felt that I would calm Carth's fears. I had not the heart to admit that Carth would be calming my fears. I held Carth tightly that night, my head upon his chest. I needed that comfort of his heartbeat thudding in my ear, his chest rising and falling with every breath. My fear grew with each passing moment, that I would never again know his warm embrace, his love, his gentle caress. I did not find refuge in sleep that night, refusing to lose one moment of his closeness.
Chapter 10
The morning of the surgery dawned bright and sunny, as if trying to dispel our gloomy thoughts. I kissed him tenderly, then rose and dressed. Returning to his side once more, I gathered him into my arms, clutching him tightly to my breast, as if to never let him go. I inhaled his fragrance, trying to implant it on my memory. My eyes mapped his face, his body, imprinting the vision of this glorious being in my brain, afraid that I would never be given the chance again.
When Lord Elrond came to us, telling us it was time, Anders appeared in the doorway, and I kissed Carth one final time, pouring my heart into the kiss as he did as well. "I love you," I whispered against his lips, and pulled back reluctant to let him go, fear gripping my soul. "I must go to Faerfaen now." He clutched me to him once more, kissing me desperately then told me he loved me and asked me to Faerfaen the same. We both had tears in our eyes as I took my leave, looking over my shoulder and blowing him a kiss before leaving. My last vision of him was of love-filled eyes and my heart knew both pain and joy.
I collected Faerfaen, who was excited about our picnic and her surprise, and I held her tightly. I found a measure of comfort from our daughter and vowed to be strong for her and try to make this day special. Hand in hand we collected Tefys before making our way to the stables, where I had arranged to have a picnic basket awaiting us. Faerfaen looked at me quizzically when we got there, telling me that this was no place to have a picnic. I had no choice but to chuckle at her concerned expression. Her squeal of joy, along with that of Tefys, when I presented the gentle mare to my daughter and settled both elflings on her back, was payment enough for all the time and effort I had spent in training the mare.
I led them to a quiet glad near our swimming hole, and once again gave them a swimming lesson, then after we had eaten and they had dried, settled them once more on the mare's back to lead them to the river. I needed more company and so I went looking for others. I needed help to keep my mind away from what was happening in the healing wing. My fear was constantly mounting, and the foreboding was getting stronger.
When my fellow guardian came running up to us, my knees trembled at the look upon his face and my heart clenched in my chest. His words telling me I was needed in the healing wing immediately, was a blow to my chest and it was all I could do to remain standing. Yet, my concern for the elflings over-ruled my own weakness and to their merriment, I lead the mare at a trot, their squeals of glee giving me a small measure of comfort.
I dropped Tefys at her home, before returning the mare to the stables, then holding Faerfaen tightly to my breast, I swiftly too her to her aunt. I kissed her and told her how much I loved her and that her ada Carth loved her very much and I know that she sensed my fear, for she clung tightly. I badly wanted to run to my beloved's side, yet could not in my heart yet abandon our daughter to her fears. Finally, when her arms loosened their grip on my neck, I set her down and whispered that I would collect her that eve. I knew I would need my daughter close that night for she would ease my fears. With a quick whisper to her aunt, I hurried away, finally breaking into a run as soon as I was out of sight of the cottage.
My fear lent wings to my feet as I made my way straight to Carth's room, knowing that I had spent too much time assuaging our daughters fears, yet I could have done no less than I did, for it was as he would have wanted. As I rounded the corner and approached his room, Anders walked out, closing the door behind him. When he turned his face to me and I saw the flood of tears streaming down his cheeks, I collapsed against the wall, my anguished scream echoing through the halls. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE END